The Worst Sports Fans in the World

I had hoped to begin my column here at Lyceum with something elevated. The collapse of the West, perhaps. The failures of modern parenting. Something serious. Unfortunately, what is on my mind right now is soccer.

This is not by choice. Everywhere I look in Los Angeles, I see an ad or a sign for the FIFA World Cup, which is going on in the United States right now. Sixteen cities are afflicted with games: Atlanta, Boston, Dallas, Houston, Kansas City, Los Angeles, Miami, New York, Philadelphia, San Francisco, and Seattle, among others. All the Mexican restaurants here in L.A. have wheeled giant televisions out to their patios. The flags are out. The jerseys are on. The men are gathering. There is no escape from soccer right now.

But I am not a soccer fan. Mostly because I’m prejudiced in favor of American sports. And also because everybody knows that the worst sports fans worldwide are soccer fans. The sport itself is so mild, a bit of scooting around on a large patch of grass; it doesn’t even involve much contact or touching of any kind. But soccer fans are savage.

In Paris just a few weeks ago, exuberant soccer fans celebrated by burning cars, smashing storefronts, attacking police, and trying to burn the Eiffel Tower down while shouting that old French footie chant, “Allahu Akbar.”

But basketball fans are a close second. Every time the Knicks play during this year’s NBA Finals, win or lose, Knicks fans lose it. So far, New York City has been treated to violent mobs fighting and injuring police officers. After the team won Game Four, fans rejoiced by throwing objects at the other team’s players, destroying a Five Guys restaurant, and hurling broken glass bottles at police officers. They set off fire bombs, smoke bombs, and jumped on police cars.

You know which fans don’t riot? Baseball fans. Baseball fans have very occasionally caused some minor mayhem after big games, but overwhelmingly, baseball fans are pretty chill. It’s pretty hard to get too riled up after a few Dodger Dogs and eighteen pounds of roasted peanuts absorbing the beer.

I’m not a big football fan, but I can’t remember any football fans doing anything of note after the Chiefs won the Super Bowl a few times in a row. I think some local youth shot some people, but that’s just a Tuesday in Kansas City.

Tennis fans don’t do this when their favorite wins Wimbledon. Racing fans don’t do this after their pony wins big at the Derby. Golf fans have never, to my knowledge, stormed the course and beaten up any caddies. Yet.

Track and field fans don’t run onto the track and try to smash anyone’s head in with a relay baton. In hockey, the violence stays on the ice, or in the stands. It’s too cold to burn anything in hockey cities, anyway.

What will happen when the United States wins a World Cup match? Will peaceful Americans turn into soccer hooligans? Or will the usual suspects simply use the celebrations as yet another excuse to loot, burn, and riot?

I will be treating FIFA game venues as no-go zones.

But if the U.S. makes it to the semis, don’t be surprised if I turn up at the local taco place to watch—and to root against some inferior European or third-world country that has nothing much going for it but its soccer team. I promise not to light anything on fire, win or lose.